Rex Flex

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.”

The woman did as she was told.

“Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.”

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.”

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”

The woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, “Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.”

Im sure y’all have seen this image but, everytime i see it i just laugh and think about the countless times i wanted to say it, or the times i did say it :)

The cause of last week’s multi car pile on I95 near Brunswick, GA. has not been determined. Crack, however, is suspected.


Crack can kill.

Is anyone up to coming over for some milk shakes?

One tarantula and one man’s pride were hurt in the making of this. (but blame them.)

10 Truths black and hispanic people know but white people won’t admit:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not White.
3. Rap music is here to stay
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N’ SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 Truths white and black people know, but hispanic people won’t admit:
1. Hickey’s are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country’s flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
6. “Jump out and run” is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can’t possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths white and hispanic people know, but black people won’t admit:
1. O. J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn’t know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a kool-aid flavor, it’s a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10.Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car

If you live in Austin, you can relate to this. If you don’t live in Austin but may be driving through some time, BE PREPARED!

Rules For Living in Austin:

1. First, it’s pronounced AWS-TUN. It doesn’t matter how they say it in other places.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has it’s own set of traffic rules. There’s no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.

3. All directions start with ” Go down Mopac…’cause you don’t want to get on 35.”

4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end.

5. It’s impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a “scenic drive”

6. The 8:00 am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a “burnt-orange” hue

8. If you like being an individual, don’t even think of working for Dell. You’ll be branded like a cattle and made to walk all over town with your “Dell tag” around your neck or clipped on to your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says “Michael Dell”, Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth.

9.Just remember that Mopac IS Loop 1; Capital of Texas Hwy IS 360; and 183 IS Research, Anderson, Ed Bluestein, and Old Bastrop Hwy. 2222 IS Northland or Allendale or Koenig. Don’t try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or South X Southwest.

11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it!

12. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed “hippie” in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here.

13. Stay away from the Congress bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

14. And, yes, we all know that’s a man in a teddy and a tiara on Congress. It’s Leslie, and he probably makes more money than you do.

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cl evenly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop lood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total $4165.00 — But you know the job was done right

Dooky sent this Picture to the channel today and I just had to share it with everyone.

I got a speeding ticket friday, 62mph in a 50mph zone. The cops in this particular city are known for being real pricks about everything, although I will admit I probably deserved that ticket. It cost me a quick $215, seems a little high, but the ticket was $130, then court costs were $85. I was in the “Municiple Court” for about 45 seconds. It consisted of my handing the lady my ticket, her asking me if taking defensive driving was an option, me saying no, then me handing her 215 big ones. Then I asked her if that took care of anything, and I didn’t want any warrants out for my arrest. Let’s just say pleaset humour doesn’t lower the cost of fines.

Paige is still in Hawaii, and I’m still really missing her. I’m really glad she’s having a good time, but I just can’t stand being so far away from her for so long. I guess I never realized how much she meant to me until there’s the pacific ocean separating us…

Anyway, I’m going to goto bed. I have to goto work at 10AM tomorrow. Later.

More food for thought: Pwned